Beckham Isaiah

I’ve put off sharing Beckham’s birth story because honestly it was a lot to process. I had all these ideas and expectations of what his birth would be like especially following the traumatic birth of Levi. Turns out this birth was traumatic in all its own ways and there would be new challenges for me to make sense of.

At 38 weeks I allowed my doctor to schedule me an induction but I just knew that surely he would come before that date. I didn’t want to be induced but I also was extremely tired of being pregnant and the doctor assured me this was the best way to insure a successful VBAC. Well a week and a half went by and still no baby despite every single early labor sign you can think of. So I ended up going in for induction. I was contracting on my own and already 4cm when I checked in to be induced and I just knew that I would go into active labor that night at the hospital before the induced me that morning. But once again…nope… the contractions became irregular again and tapered off.

The next morning the doctor broke my water and said I was far enough dilated that my body would probably take over and start active labor after that without any pitocin. She said there was no reason why we shouldn’t have an easy VBAC! I was so excited and ready. Buttttt once again…nope. I remember somebody coming in to visit me 6 hours after they broke my water and making the comment that only 1 cm progression in 6 hours wasn’t a lot and it hit me that this wasn’t going the way it should. Sure enough my doctor came in and voiced her concerns about not making progress and told me in an hour if I’m still at 5cm she would take me back for csection.

I was terrified of a csection. My csection with Levi was traumatic and fast and scary. The nurse tried to explain to me how it would be different this time not being an emergency and I told her it was very important to me that I hold my baby immediately after. I never got to hold my baby last time and it felt so crucial to me to be able to hold him and know that he was healthy. My mother in law prayed over me thanking the Lord that this time was different than last time and I just sobbed because the emotions of last time were flooding back over me and I surely didn’t want to go through this again.

They prepped me for surgery and Christian was able to come back with me unlike last time. I remember thinking over and over “Be strong and courageous for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. He will not forsake you”. This would be a much easier csection….nope. I could hear my doctor taking about something about how she couldn’t get into where she needed to. She asked the nurses to go grab the other surgeon to help her. My scar tissue from last time had attached itself to my abdominal wall completely adhering my uterus to my abdomen. She said it was like concrete…she couldn’t see where in the uterus she was and couldn’t get to where she needed to get to. After what felt like forever I finally felt her push out my baby and it took what felt like minutes to hear his cry. Christian left my side to go be with the baby that they couldn’t give to me after all because of the surgery complications. I apparently was losing a lot of blood and they still had to get me stitched back up. My doctor told me that I need to wait a while and think long and hard about having another child because it would probably mean a high risk csection and I would have to go to the hospital in Savannah and they would have to take the baby early to make sure it didn’t get too big. I felt terrified and furious.

Christian brought Beckham over for me to see before he was taken away again for his bath and stuff but I wasn’t able to even touch him. I was finally taken back to my room and I completely broke down. I was crying so hard I was hyperventilating and so upset that everything had gone the opposite of what I prayed and hoped for. Then the thought of any future children being at risk or my situation making it hard to have children down the road made me furious. It didn’t feel fair that after losing a child this would be so difficult and could impact my future. The doctors were trying to calm me down and make sure my crying was from emotions and not from pain which was also intense where they just cut into me. It took 2 hours for them to bring my baby to me after everything and I was extremely upset that I couldn’t hold him.

It got a lot better when I finally had my sweet baby who was perfectly healthy in my arms and I could begin the long healing process from a csection. I remember several nights crying just from being tired of being uncomfortable. I also could feel the bitterness in my heart and all the disappointment I needed to bring to God. I felt let down and had so many questions on why things happened the way they did.

I wish I could give you guys some profound answers on what I learned through it all but really all I’ve done is slowly begin to open up my clenched fists and give over all these emotions to God and choose to trust Him that if future children are a part of the plan that He has that taken care of. I also have to chose to believe the things I’ve known of God before. He is good despite what my circumstances try to tell me. He is trustworthy despite what my bitterness tries to speak to me an just because I don’t understand doesn’t mean that God has failed me only that I have more to learn.

Perhaps I should have had my focus more on God than on my perfect expectations of what I thought SHOULD happen. Maybe if I had focused my prayers less on how I thought it should go and more on Him and being with Him then He could have spoken to me clearly on what to prepare my heart for. Either way I still praise Him for a healthy little 9pound 3 ounce baby born that day! I know that He is still a God of redemption and that if I step out of the way with my plans and expectations He will be faithful to do above and beyond what I could have ever come up with on my own. ❤️

Crowns of Beauty for Brokenness

In that moment after holding our Levi as he passed I felt like I grew up years above my age. Something in me shifted. I also felt I now identified as a mom more than before. If I had held back or had a hard time integrating that part of my identity before, well now I was fully submerged in motherhood. I had experienced the highest joys and now the pain that comes with loving another being with my entire heart.

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Levi Josiah

It was a Thursday and I was at home with Asher as usual. I was 34 weeks and 1 day and I was very large and very uncomfortable. I actually had spent all morning trying to figure out which doctor I needed to see about a sore throat to make sure I didn’t have strep. I never got an appointment but made lunch and ate with Asher before sitting down to rest on the couch before I put Asher down for a nap. That’s when I felt my water break.

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Sacred Moments

There are a lot of moments in being a mom that aren’t so pretty. Staying up in the middle of the night with a sleepless baby, stepping away from everything to tend to your child, taking care of your little one while they are sick. Not to mention the giving of yourself and your body on a daily basis. Sometimes I do these things without batting an eye and sometimes I do them with a horrible attitude and lots (and I do mean lots) of complaining because I’d much rather be doing something else. I’d much rather be hanging out with all my friends in the living room instead of by myself in the bedroom rocking my fussy baby to sleep. I’d much rather be sitting on the couch reading than chasing my oh so active 10 month old around the house. I’d much rather be cleaning and getting stuff done than sitting in this chair holding my sick baby while he naps cause he won’t have it any other way. The list could go on.

I recently read something that has stuck with me and began to change the way I look at these moments when I decide to take the time to change my perspective.

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Motherhood Confessions

Can I just share some things? Things that you can’t see if you are looking at the pictures I post or the things I share on my Facebook page. I had a hard transition to motherhood. There were times I sat on my bed Googling the symptoms of postpartum anxiety. There were times I wondered if the lonely irritable feelings were felt by any of my other new mom friends. There were times I pitched a fit because my life was nothing like it used to be and it felt like every detail of everything I used to do had been changed in an instant.

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Asher Abram

It all started at 3 am when I woke up to go to the bathroom. I was 39 weeks and 5 days pregnant and had been beyond ready to be done. I felt no pain until I laid back in bed to fall back asleep and I was hit with an intense cramp. I pulled out my phone to track the pain and see how far apart the contractions were. I got up to walk around and see if they would ease up. Christian woke up in the midst of this and complained he felt sick to his stomach before he looked over and saw me pacing the floor. I think that’s when he knew it was for real!

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Ramblings From a First Time Mom

I am currently sitting in my chair in my living room holding my sweet Asher in one hand and typing this blog on my phone with the other. My teeth are not brushed, my hair is crazy, I haven’t had a shower, and I can’t even reach my cold coffee beside me. Today Asher is 5 weeks and going through a growth spurt making him so clingy I can’t even lay him down so once again I’m stuck in my chair as he sleeps on my shoulder.

These past 5 weeks have been interesting. It’s been some of the most challenging and most rewarding days of my life. One moment I can be screaming and crying right along with the baby only to be followed by the next moment of looking at his sweet face and being completely head over heels in love with no words to describe how I feel.

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He Makes Me Brave

So we’re going to have a baby! How excitingly nerve-wracking is that? I still don’t think my head is fully wrapped around the reality of it. I’m going to be a mom, he’s going to be a dad, we’re going to be parents…wait what? What do I know about how to raise a child!? Plus the whole idea of having a baby and being responsible for another human being is pretty scary. What I do know is that even though this wasn’t in MY plans for my life at this time, this is exactly where God wants me.

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